Thursday, March 12, 2015

Re: The Coldest Fooking Place in the U.S. of A.

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there,
And you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
there's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists
You tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other
Patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way
This old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
Approached the desk. The Receptionist said, Yes sir, what are
You seeing the Doctor for today?
There's something wrong with my penis, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't
Come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,
He said.
The Receptionist replied; Now you've caused some
Embarrassment in this room full of people.  You should have
Said there is something wrong with your ear or something,
And discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.
The man replied, You shouldn't ask people questions in a
Roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes,
And then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, Yes?
There's something wrong with my ear, he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing
He had taken her advice. 

And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?
I can't p#$$ out of it, he replied.
 
From: Buzz Darcy
Sent: Thursday, March 12, 2015 12:05 AM
Subject: The Coldest Fooking Place in the U.S. of A.
 
This post, more than partisan politics or football teams , could likely be the most controversial thing I've ever written about. I'm not joking. I'll bet this conjures up more back and forth than the stains on Monika Lewinsky's dress. Some things just have to be argued.
In my search for meaningful, pertinent, and interesting trends(and that's not as easy as it sounds), I have , once more , stumbled on a doozey, a list of the coldest cities in the U.S.  25 of them em, in all their glory. As a disclaimer, I have to say that not one of them is in California, Florida, or Hawaii- I want to make that clear from the git-go; and I only mention Florida because of family there.
Of the 25 , I have lived in 2 of them, one being the number 2 coldest- Grand Forks, North Dakota, and number 12, the twin cities of Minneapolis-St.Paul, Minnesota. Some of you will, no doubt, are living in areas that associate with cold, but don't make it to the list- I don't know why, but consider yourselves lucky. Some of you may argue that your city should be on the list, and to that I can only say," now's your chance to move...".
I know perfectly sane people that live in cold ares, but, when I really start to about it, they're not that sane at all- they're probably numb. Numb is an excuse I can relate to, having experienced it throughout my life as a way to combat the madness around me- I know that some of you were born Republican.
My friends, Gary and Michele Lindsey, actually met and married in North Dakota, and I think they turned out pretty well, judging from our correspondence. My friend Tracey and her hubby lived in Anchorage, Alaska,.. and lived! Amen. I used to think that the slush in late winter N.Y., out on Long Island, was the nastiest kind of cold to experience, but that was because I was out working in it with shitty boots and clothing. I always figured that's why God invented marijuana and hashish- that seemed to keep the cold at bay temporarily. in hindsight it would have been cheaper to invest in better cold weather gear- Polar Fleece was a few decades away. Grass worked.
When Kathy and I traveled to Ireland some years back, around Easter, we encountered gorgeous weather- in the 60's for the most part- and the locals kept telling us we lucked into something good. At a sporting goods store, in Dingle, the owner told me , "...that honestly, the winter weather here is miserable, horrid..." she'd lived there all her life. Lovely memory.
Let's face it; the only good part about cold is when you get out of it. Looking at the list of those 25 cold cities, all but 5 are in the Midwest. Sheridan, Wyoming, is a Western place in my mind. Alaska has 2- Fairbanks being the coldest in the U.S. on a regular basis, Concord , New Hampshire, and Burlington, Vermont, being the other outliers. What does that say about the Midwest?
Isn't there something we can do to help those places? Couldn't we , here in California, send them some kale or something? Washington D.C., could sent tons of bullshit-I've learned that piles of bullshit can create a lot of hot air- it's a symbiosis. Hell, with the hot air produced in Congress, we could turn North Dakota into a citrus producing power house and eliminate the need for fracking-the methane produced in D.C.would take care of that - no pun intended.
There is one very positive aspect of cold that perhaps I've neglected to mention- ice! You think that's folly? When was the last time you had a hot gin and tonic? Rum can be drunk in tropical climes at room temperature, but a rum and Coke- never. It's true, an oyster can be eaten either hot or cold, but what of an ice cream sandwich?
But wait, of global warming and the demise of polar bears? What of hot and cold then? How many meaningless words can I spout about warmth and the lack thereof,making light of it all, that will make any difference to the future that we- you and I- will not have to endure? That our children s children will inherit? Well, that's another aspect that I'd love to discuss, but, for today, let's keep it light, I'll reel you in soon enough and we can get into the real nitty gritty.
And please, if you don't want to hear me, please let me know- I have no judgement in that regard- though I love your input .
Well, regardless of what it may bring, that's what's trending at my house today.
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)